Alien Bake!
by whatthenesmith
Summary: When 'human' is required in an alien recipe on an alien bake show, Sarah Jane and the Doctor must convince the judge that a substitute will work just as well.


David only had so many things to worry about and all of them were extremely crucial to the success of this year's _Alien Bake!_ , which really meant that David was so stressed out the same way a child in the summer has literally no cares in the entire world. Needless to say, David was a very busy man and he certainly was very stressed out. But in his ever adaptive personality, and after years of running _Alien Bake!_ behind the scenes like the puppet master he truly was, the stress never really got to David. All the stress was bundled up in a tiny, teeny corner of David's brain, creating a sort of mental stress ball for David. Okay, well… currently it was more like a mental stress ball slamming around inside of his head because, oh god, there were two participants missing and David needed them, how could _Alien Bake!_ work with only one contestant! Plus, the human participant was one of the missing contestants and, oh man, David was really screwed and the mental stress ball was more of a mental stress alarm blaring inside of his head, screaming at him not to mess this up.

Of course, unbeknownst to David himself, soon a wheezing, dematerializing blue box would contain his ticket to a single stress free moment. And, also unbeknownst to David, that very blue box was wheezing and dematerializing right in that moment. Had David known about it, he probably would have cried, although maybe not because showing weakness in front of the contestants was ill advised. Speaking of the blue box, Sarah Jane Smith poked her head out of the TARDIS and looked around. The Doctor had seemed to have landed them right in a closet. There were some mops and cleaning supplies strewn about. She stepped out and moved to the side so that the Doctor could scramble out of the TARDIS as well, his big scarf wrapped around his neck.

"So where are we, Doctor?" Sarah Jane asked.

"A closet," the Doctor shrugged, pushing past Sarah Jane and opening the door.

"Oh, very helpful," Sarah Jane followed the Doctor as they both stepped out into a hallway. There was a sweet scent in the air, and Sarah Jane almost thought it smelled vaguely of a kitchen. Sarah Jane's very keen nose, in just a moment, would be proven right.

The Doctor and Sarah Jane started making their way down the hallway the same exact moment that David, the fellow mentioned earlier, turned the corner into the same hallway. He stared at the Doctor and Sarah Jane, body physically relaxing and and sudden calmness overtaking the man. Yes, that stress alarm collapsed in on itself in that moment and once again became a ball of stress, sequestered away in the corner of David's mind once more.

"Ah, there you two are," David said, gesturing towards the Doctor and Sarah Jane. "You'll be on soon so follow me to the main stage. Contestant number 1 is already there."

"Contestant?" Sarah Jane frowned.

"Right of course!" the Doctor beamed striding forward to close the gap between himself and David. "Lead the way, then! And I'm the Doctor." He jutted a thumb backwards. "And that's Sarah Jane."

"Alright," David searched his memory for the names of the other two contestants. Something didn't seem right. But he couldn't recall their names so he guessed that they must have been the Doctor and Sarah Jane. Odd name, though. Doctor. Not much of a name. "Let's not waste any more time."

"Doctor," Sarah Jane whispered as David lead them down another corridor, "What are we doing?"

"Seeing where this takes us," the Doctor responded, not even bothering to keep his voice quiet. David threw a look at them over his shoulder but he didn't say anything. Sarah Jane glared at the Doctor for a moment, but the excitement was starting to bubble up inside of her. Sure, she and the Doctor certainly got into a lot of trouble sometimes but at least there was always fun to be had. So maybe this wouldn't turn out too bad.

Eventually, David lead the two of them to an open area with a lot of lights hanging from the ceiling and kitchen essentials all around. It was just a big kitchen, but kitchen essentials sounds better, doesn't it. So Sarah Jane had been correct. It was a kitchen smell she had smelled earlier. There was a blobby looking alien that had eyes like a snail, meaning it had big round eyes on top of two swaying stalks.

"Which one of you is the human?" David asked. Sarah Jane glanced at the Doctor, trying to gauge whether she should say yes or no, but the Doctor wasn't looking at her. He was scurrying over to the blobby alien.

"I am," Sarah Jane sighed. David nodded and lead Sarah Jane to a counter that didn't have anything on it.

She realized they were on a stage that multiple cameras were pointed at. A cooking show? It wouldn't have been the weirdest situation she'd found herself in thanks to the Doctor. But still. A cooking show?

"Stand here, alright," David instructed.

"Okay," Sarah Jane said. She looked to her left. Next to her was an empty counter with lots of, well, cooking stuff on top of it. Then, next to that, was the counter that the blobby creature was in front of. It's counter contained lots of bowls and such.

"Doctor," David said, going over to the Doctor and taking him gently by the elbow, "This is your counter, so please stand here."

David pulled the Doctor to the middle counter.

"Is this a cooking show?" the Doctor asked.

"Yes, _Alien Bake!_ " David replied.

"With an exclamation point?" the Doctor asked.

"Obviously, no other _Alien Bake!_ out there," David answered.

"Brilliant, right, yes," the Doctor had a big grin on his face.

"What's _Alien Bake!_ , Doctor?" Sarah Jane asked.

"Really interesting cooking show, featuring lots of different alien bakes, such as Lakeltti, which is an eel soup but the eels aren't really eels, they're aliens," the Doctor informed her. He jutted a finger towards David. "And that's the host and judge, David. No last name. Not sure if he's human, but he's been running the show and will run the show for some time. Years, I think. Watched it for a while but don't find the time these days."

"We're going live in one minute," David announced, then shot the blobby alien a slightly severe look. "And remember, Tyrlwand, don't get the equipment slimey or you'll be disqualified."

The blobby creature let out a strange strangled noise that sounded similar to a chicken's scream crossed with that of a dog's squeak. The Doctor hid a bit of a giggle but Sarah Jane wasn't really sure why. Had the creature spoke?

"This is exciting, isn't it?" the Doctor said.

"Yes, it is, I think," Sarah Jane agreed. She did, indeed, feel excited. What sort of alien cuisine would they be making? Sarah Jane hoped that it wouldn't be too complicated but she was ready to get her hands dirty.

"Oh, we have a lot of ingredients here. So Tyrlwand has the equipment and I've got the ingredients," the Doctor observed. Sarah Jane glanced at her bare countertop.

"How come I don't have anything?" she wondered aloud. The Doctor peered at Sarah Jane's counter, a slight frown creasing his forehead. It seemed as if he were about to say something but then the lights flared up and the cameras all seemed to come alive. David stepped onto the stage.

"Alright, look alive. We are live in three, two, one," as soon as David said 'one' there was a loud jingle that filled the room. Sarah Jane resisted the urge to cover her ears but it wasn't too bad, not really. All the cameras seemed to focus on David.

"Good afternoon and welcome to _Alien Bake!_ ," David said. "Today we will be cooking a Vablent cake, which will be a wonderful dish for anyone holiday celebrations out there, that may or may not be happening."

There was a chorus of fake applause and Sarah Jane looked around to see if she could find the source of it. This was an odd cooking show. No live audience could be seen. There was just David and his cameras. Sarah Jane couldn't help but admit, though, that she was excited to be baking a cake. An alien cake, at that.

"We have our two contestants today, Tyrlwand and the Doctor," David went on. He paused for the fake applause again. "And our special ingredient, Sarah Jane the human. Give her a special round of applause folks."

There was a roaring applause that followed but it was overshadowed for Sarah Jane. Ingredient? Her, an ingredient? A special ingredient? Perhaps, to some, it would be flattering but to Sarah Jane in that moment it was more or less a terrifying set of words that wrapped around her and squeezed panic into every pore of her body.

"Hold on, a second," she managed to squeak, "I thought I was a contestant."

"No," David turned to look at her. "Everyone knows that Vablent cake requires a whole human. It wouldn't be Vablent cake without it. You read the terms and conditions."

"I didn't!" Sarah Jane protested.

"Now, hello, hi David," the Doctor finally spoke up. He'd been musing over the reveal of Sarah Jane being an ingredient for a moment and now he'd finally decided what he was going to do about it. David turned now to face the Doctor.

"Hello, Doctor," David seemed puzzled. The Doctor jumped over his counter and strode up to David, fixing his scarf as he did so.

"Tell me, now, David, everyone does know that Vablent cake requires a whole human, common knowledge obviously, but some do have allergies, do they not, and what sort of cooking show would _Alien Bake!_ be if it did not try new, and not to mention bold, recipes that are inclusive of everyone, as, clearly, some people who can't eat food with humans in them might, well, really appreciate you using, well, a substitute," the Doctor said at length.

"A substitute?" David frowned.

"My gran uses a substitute all the time," the blobby Tyrlwand piped up. "Human doesn't settle well in my stomach, didn't even as a child."

This was relatively surreal for Sarah Jane but she certainly didn't feel in any danger. Why was that? Maybe because usually, if she was in any danger, something worse would have happened by now. Or maybe it was because this cooking show seemed ridiculous so Sarah Jane couldn't quite fathom David as any sort of threat.

"See, you could use a substitute," the Doctor nodded encouragingly.

"I'll walk off the show if you don't," Sarah Jane added. She hoped that she sounded threatening enough. David looked at her, then looked at the Doctor, then at Tyrlwand, and finally at the cameras. He gave a weak smile to the cameras.

"Alright, then, folks, you heard it hear," David said. "Today, in our Vablent cake, we will be using a human substitute, for all of those out there with allergies."

"Plus, it's more human-friendly," Sarah Jane said.

"Yes, it's more human-friendly," David nodded.

Sarah Jane glanced at the Doctor, who gave her a thumbs up. Relaxation came to Sarah Jane in that moment, relieved that she wouldn't seen be being turned into a cake. How would that even have worked? It was really odd and Sarah Jane wondered if alien cake was the same as the sort of cakes that would be made on Earth. Since she wasn't a special ingredient anymore, Sarah Jane was tasked to help the Doctor mix the cake, which was a good thing too because his scarf kept getting in the way. The process of making the Vablent cake was suspiciously similar to making a cake that Sarah Jane would make back home with her aunt but she didn't say anything about it.

Eventually, the cake was all mixed (Sarah Jane couldn't really figure out what the human substitution was and, honestly, she was relieved not to know) and Tyrlwand poured the batter into a baking pan. Sarah Jane couldn't figure out where the oven was but then David pulled out a thin stick. He pointed it at the baking pan and a buzzing noise sounded from the tip of the stick. At first, Sarah Jane didn't think anything was happening but she eventually noticed the cake batter was bubbling. It was quickly raising and looking like that of a cake. She was so enthralled by this that she didn't notice the Doctor whipping up several colored icings. The cake eventually finished 'baking' and Tyrlwand brought the baking pan back over to the Doctor's counter.

"Sarah, will you help me ice this?" the Doctor asked, handing her a bowl of orange icing.

"But, Doctor, it's too hot," Sarah Jane pointed out.

"No, it was baked on the microlevel," the Doctor informed her, taking her hand and putting in on the cake. Sarah Jane preemptively winced but it turned out the Doctor was right.

"Wow, that's cool," Sarah Jane said under her breath.

She and the Doctor started icing the cake, Tyrlwand now and again giving suggestions. They were, as the Doctor pointed out multiple times, a well organized team. Sarah Jane reflected on the strangeness of this baking show. How was it a contest exactly? Did they win something at the end of it?

"Doctor, what's the point of this show?" Sarah Jane asked.

"To have fun. And if David likes this cake, we'll be given a prize," the Doctor replied. "Unless, of course, they up and changed the rules on me, I suppose."

Sarah Jane nodded and finished the last of her decorating. In the end, the cake looked like a swirly rainbow, with some odd colors mixed in here and there. It looked quite beautiful honestly and Sarah Jane had to admit, she sort of wanted to eat some of the cake. Who could say no to cake anyways?

"Contestants, are you done?" David asked.

Sarah Jane and the Doctor glanced at Tyrlwand. Tyrlwand made some noise that Sarah Jane couldn't quite describe but the Doctor must have understood what it meant, since he picked up the cake.

"Yes, David, we are," the Doctor said, holding out the cake towards David. David took the cake and looked at it.

Sarah Jane wondered if he would put it down on one of the counters and take a slice and she wondered if he'd like the cake, but then a lot of her thoughts were derailed as David slammed his face into the cake.

"Oh my goodness," Sarah Jane said.

"It's traditional," the Doctor shrugged.

David moved his face in the cake for a bit but eventually stopped. His face was covered with bits of cake and coated in frosting. It took a lot of Sarah Jane's might not to laugh out loud.

"Well, what do you think?" the Doctor demanded.

"It was really quite something, team," David licked his lips. "I give it a win. You all win a tree ticket to the _Alien Bake!_ restaurant!"

Tyrlwand gave out a noise that Sarah Jane assumed was a cheer of victory and the Doctor clapped his hands together. He gave Sarah Jane a big smile who smiled right back. It felt good to win, and be alive, because obviously this could have gone quite wrong. But it didn't. So Sarah Jane felt good. She and the Doctor had won _Alien Bake!_ and later they went with Tyrlwand to the restaurant, where it turned out that they'd all won a free meal. The food was good but Sarah Jane made sure to ask for a menu that was human-friendly, just in case she accidentally ended up ordering something that had human as an ingredient.

And so, with their stomachs full, Sarah Jane and the Doctor said goodbye to Tyrlwand and made their way back to the TARDIS (after getting lost quite a few times honestly).

"Where are we off to next, Doctor?" Sarah Jane asked as she re-entered the TARDIS.

"Not sure," the Doctor shrugged, walking up to the console. "But let's try to find some trouble this time."

The TARDIS took off with it's usual wheezing noise and Sarah Jane hoped that wherever they went next, she wouldn't end up in anyone's food.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fic is just a silly little quick fic for .com for the Classic Who Secret Santa! It might be a little ooc but I hope by not too much. I enjoyed writing it, tbh. Sorry this is posted so late but I hope you (and anyone else who happens to read this) have a wonderful holiday and a happy new year! :)


End file.
